Dream Diary: Tofu Fireman

I told them I could no longer take care of the greenhouse, that it had become too filthy and the creatures inside it too unusual. When the creatures heard me tender my resignation, they tried to wrap me in vines. I fled to a hotel room, and thought I was free of them. But I soon realized that an orb-shaped bug had hidden itself in my anus. I yanked it out and shattered it into hundreds of petals. There were two conventions being held at my hotel, one about gardening and one about bondage. I was supposed to go to the gardening convention, but decided the other would be more useful. The leaders of the bondage convention were skeptical of me. They told me that if I wanted to prove myself, I would have to do something I was completely unaccustomed to: sit in the driver’s seat of a stick-shift Volvo, complaining about the baseball team. I sat for four hours. When I eventually became bored, I tried to see if I could wear the brakes out through dangerous maneuvers. A fire engine’s siren annoyed me, so I rammed it off the road. The fireman confronted me, furious, but I noticed he was made of tofu so I just began tearing pieces off him and eating him. His hair was grated cheese.

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