At 10am, you manage to open a bleary eye. A man in business attire stands at the foot of your bed. You have no memory of this man, or of the past 36 or so hours of your life. He introduces himself as your campaign manager. He explains that last night, in a stupor, you filed the paperwork to run for the state senate.
“You are due at the Palladium in one hour to give your kick-off speech,” he tells you.
“But I don’t even have any political beliefs!”
“Well, you’d better hurry up and get some.”
You’ve got both eyes open now, and your brain is whirling. The situation is urgent; you must find beliefs.
Fortunately, you happen upon this list of the pros and cons of every major political belief, which enables you to settle on some in a hurry:
Mainstream Political Beliefs: For & Against
Good – likes the old traditions, skeptical of disastrous utopian schemes
Bad – some of the old traditions are very racist, perfectly fine with disastrous capitalist schemes. Insufficently opposed to the prospect of nuclear holocaust. Plus actually kind of bloodthirsty a lot of the time.
Good – uses the word “democracy” a lot
Bad – believes democracy is best instituted via drone
Good – snappy uniforms, well-coordinated marches
Bad – state-worship, proclivity for death camps
Good – insightful analysis of capitalism’s fundamental instability and the alienation of the worker
Bad – theory is largely a bunch of unfalsifiable horse manure, all the Marxists are really mean
Good – industrialization
Bad – paranoia, gulags
Good – dislikes Stalin
Bad – likes Trotsky, who is also an extremely unpleasant man
Good – detests authority in all forms! believes phrase “you’ve got to break a few eggs to make an omelette” is just license to break a bunch of eggs
Bad – can barely successfully organize an anarchist bookfair, let alone a worldwide system of mutual aid and worker ownership
Good – lots of freedom, gets the boot of the state off your neck
Bad – only your boss/landlord get the freedom, boot of the state occasionally useful for enforcing fire codes
Good – committed to rights and equality and such
Bad – equally committed to vagueness, hypocrisy, and expensive scones . For some reason always end up adopting all conservative beliefs on mistaken assumption this will make them liked.
Good – safety net, healthcare, life free of worry
Bad – inevitable Nordic tedium, general prissiness
Good – mixes best parts of all of the above
Bad – too sensible to be persuasive