When I was younger, kids at school would sometimes shout things at me like “Hey English, tell the Queen I fucked her!” And of course I’d say, no, you don’t understand, I have no serious loyalties to the country and only the barest of actual cultural connections beside a now-basically inexplicable vestigial accent, plus frankly I’m a strident anti-monarchist and if you did in fact fuck the queen why would she need to be told unless your performance was so miserable that she did not even notice. The problem was that I’d say all of this in a tweed vest with a mouthful of Marmite sandwich so it was difficult to formulate a truly persuasive case.

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